Latvia Journal, 1997

Zebran & I visited Latvia again this summer.
A tremendously demanding and fulfilling adventure, we stayed away from Riga and any major cities & instead sought out connection with the secret, hidden places...the holy places of the earth, sun and sea. I got what I wanted. I only performed once, solo, in Riga.
These are my journal entries from the trip. Some things just didn't get recorded (like not being able to find reverse in the rental car at first & getting out of the car to push it backwards on the side streets of Riga...) but here are many images.

July 17, 97
Latvia. Latvija

So far have made the right choice in seeking the country. All the more apparent is the schism between urban & rural. Who would choose to live in Riga when THIS pure cold waters, caves, stones & green is to be had? When the fear of safety is removed?

First day in Riga the car towed within five minutes. But safe & sound in the hands of the police. Doors sealed, possessions untouched. Do not wish to visit father, omite [my mother] at Maruta's again.

Zebran here (Svetupe [Holy river]) in love with Lipsis [dog] (Calis was the first, though indifferent). Only one of many to come, I'm sure.

Holy red sand caves hidden by the holy cold river. Jumping into many cold waters: the river, the sea, the pond (after first true pirtis [sauna]) Saimnieks [landlord] taking us to the Baltijas Jura [Baltic Sea]: three places. First huge rounded stones of granite, each laced with veins & sparkle, all of beautiful multicolored hues, each a work of art in itself. A photographer's dream. Perhaps to return. We bring a few stone eggs home. [I ended up with half a suitcase full of rocks...the other half filled with "Gotinas" milk candies which I LOVE] Saimnieks says the stones "walk" in the winter ice (akmeni staiga). Despite their hugeness, they never remain in the same place.

Then to the red-sand cliffs & caves -- amazing they haven't eroded away -- soft unlike the red of Zion & smaller, but it is an intimacy that draws me. This land is intimate: you can touch & embrace it easily. Blue berries again in the soft, mossy woods & sandy roads too again.

Laying for hours on the sandy shore of the jura. Peaceful & unhurried.

Still nervous about the safety of our brand new rental car, but slowly shift my anxiety to trust. Worry will not change anything. Only open faith & alert actions.

Latvia. The cities still breed uncertainty & suspicion...but the forests, the waters, the berries, the sun, the moon...they embrace & welcome us. This is the Latvia I have always wanted to know. The earth breeds the wisdom...not the cloistered humans.

Breakfast call.

Quick dream: Walking. Seeing two half moons across from each other on the horizon. Then suddenly ahead a semicircle of light. An arc of light flashing, shimmering...of a miracle...and gone.

Oh a miracle. So much better (so far) this time.

7/21/97
Leaving Svetupe -- crashing into the stairs -- knocking over a small wall -- denting the car. Idiot-I. Oh well.

Over gravel road -- not finding the cliffs, but beautiful, peaceful Mazsalaca [city & park]. Velna aka, energijas akmenis, skanaiskalns [Devil's well, energy rock, echo mountain] (not much of a kalns [mountain] though) Then the first struggle of finding our home in the middle of Ligatne [park], with patience, with persistence it was found. Wonderful meals, peace, privacy. Canoe down the Gauja [river] hot sun berzu sulu [birch juice] deep forests swift current again untrusting going against the current thinking we had missed out spot, but no it was ahead. Chortle of frogs & big piggie. Feeding the bears blueberries. Drinking too much with the hosts.

Ainazi -- raft settlement -- women breaking into song amidst the castle ruins. Good strong old song. Z insulting the wooden guardians -- I tell him be careful. Bitchy, bitchy boy.

The endless nightmare of finding "Ainavas" [Vista? Scenery? House name] back & forth from Galgauska to Gulbene. City center -- what city center but with much petrol & patience & endless questions, it was found. A newly renovated place -- it needs to age & grow & the newly damned river still stinks of rotting humus but it too is brown cold water.
Wonderful pirtis not enough time because all the neighbors came to wash after a long weekend of gathering hay. Still it is interesting to get beyond the faces filled with suspicion & to gain their trust & friendship. "Lapsa" [fox] fuzzy red head that indeed looked like a fox. Sweet Zandina 2 1/2 years. Here it stinks like old Latvia in the kitchen & bathroom -- an odd place with many empty rooms, but still I think much better than a hotel. Blueberries bursting everywhere. Good since we gave all the ones we had to the bears.

Visiting Aluksne [city] (first quaint Ates dzirnavas [Ates watermill]) here the stares (at the car, at strangers) make me uneasy & nervous. I suppose I should go confidently among them -- these people are SO unaccustomed to the idea of traveling freely by car. Tourists. Stare. And some are helpful & open & others barely grunt a response. Puts me on edge. I fear to leave the safety of our "homes" or to leave the valuable car unattended. But I cannot imagine doing this any other way. Z's pointless anger & bossiness. Oh well. Stopped by a policeman in Aluksne simply because we had a foreign (German) very new car. Very polite though & upon inspection of papers & license, all was well & wished us "laimigu celu" [happy trails]. Keep feeling like I'm adjusting but yes mostly I think it is the curse of this new vehicle that oppresses me the most. Curse & a blessing. Next time: a less obvious car.

7/29/97
No clear idea where I left off (but will look when these thoughts are clear)
One week remains. Of course: as I adjust & become more comfortable. The stares lessen as we move into the more "cosmopolitan" areas. And I relax.

Warmth of the sunshine squeezing in between the racing clouds ("Saulite"...kur Jus esiet dabujusi tadu positivu dabu?"...Ja nu tas ir tas arejais cilveks...["Little sun"...from where have You gotten such a positive nature?" Yes well that is the outer person]) Jelgava [city]: Kalna Burini [house]. I want to be Imants Freidenfelds [the owner] when I am that old (not so much older than me: 8 years old in '49? '45?)

And to have the yard so beautiful: it is possible. But for the lack of a stream. Have my pond though. The young one speaking of auras & picking flowers for me. Treated to Melnais Balzams [Black Balsam...a regional specialty] & coffee by Imants. Touched by him & so touching him too. What is the rareness here? Common courtesy? Empathy? Intelligence? Curiosity? Omite's house -- gone [my mother was born & lived in Jelgava]. Wandering to Bukaisi -- here the Heisters [mother's maiden name] & their many children were plentiful once. Here Omite was a little good girl -- bangs & braids like me. Maza Elzina [Little Elza]. Oh Omite. Oh mamma. "Nu tulit bus labak." Ne nebus. ["It'll be better very soon." No it won't.] Opaps [my father] sounding so tired on the phone. What are you doing here?
So here we are 10 minutes from the jura by sandy path through the piney woods. The wind, the waves. Black cow bellowing, hens clucking. This is very, very good. But it will be good too to be home soon & abandon this journey.

Jelgava: serene Zuze [dog] (red head, red lips) her black son Mopsis. Prrince & her 3 (4) small kittens...sweet orange cat taken away & one older son...The mottled chicken & sparring chicks, 'nother hen & small chicks, ducks, fish in the brown river -- us leaping in...mist on the water.

Backtracking, I see it is not too far. Only still the 2 days at Raznas Ezers [Lake Razna] with Mikus (tiny kitten). The huge lake shimmering like stars...the water pure, clear & cold. (Z says I have become "brown as a Mexican") Climbing (Z with heavy coercion) to the top of Makonkalns [Cloud mountain] with its castle ruins, large indentation (like a lava cone) forests & peace. It is always so peaceful here. Distant lakes shimmering. Ezezers [Hedgehog lake] beautiful too --- Ezernieki [city] with drooling kitty & black Russian eyeing the car. ("Nost" ["Away"]) Pirts & small brown stream again. Long drive (getting "gotinas" in Skriveri along the way) to across Daugava [river] by Kegums [city]. Greeted by crooked old man. Something odd/wrong here. Funny how one can be so immediately certain of the "rightness or wrongness" of things. Or of their innocence (like this & Raznas) The woman of the house -- oily & dirty (his wife? Seems too young?) Led through the stinky kitchen up stairs very much like those of an early dream with the old man's legs descending & terrifying me. something not right -- ill at ease. Milk, milk & more milk products. The terrifying dogs (wolfhounds?) let loose to run the grounds at night, barking & howling. The grounds: neat & majestic: this was once a fine place. Monied people. A former baronial estate. Going for a walk. Returning: we greet an old woman in a large garden. She, too, lives at the house, but she is locked away in two small rooms. She says the house was hers & her husband's. That the "saimnieks" is a bad man ("Tas virs ir slikts") She gives us beautiful flowers (Mazirbes? They are only scented at night) and skabenes [sorrel] to eat. She shows us her rooms & the tree trunk that the saimnieks gave her after they cut down her ozols [oak]. (Kapec? Nu viniem nepatika. [Why? Well they didn't like it.]) The sauna was good (without tvaiki [steam] this time -- which was good) But it was clear something had gone wrong there. What it was was not clear. Poverty? Age? Malice? We left the imbalance gladly. It was a place I feared to sleep in because of vengeful ghosts & the echo of wrongness...ripples even of human evil.

Jelgava again: pirts & the young one giving us a candle. He telling me later that he had placed "neaizmirstulites" (blue, tiny, with bright yellow eyes -- forget-me-nots) in a vase in the pirts. I had not seen them.

So now it is still Kalna Burini that pulls most strongly & its soulful young man. We could still return there on the 3rd but I would almost rather allow more time for the young one to grow wiser like Imants & the crooked fingered one.

The large/huge windows at Raznas. Watching the recently-full moon rising -- the bezdeligas [swallows] racing by in the evening -- the golden glow of sunset from Z's room.

Tervete -- yesterday. Green forest. Oh Z grumpy -- I with my broken toe. But still oh peaceful large forest huge, tall trees all around.

8/2/97
Day after Riga concert ("Pulkvedi" ["The Colonel" actually called "Noone writes to the Colonel anymore"]). LOUD club, smoky, young. Still they listened well & deeply. Connection was made. Bunches of flowers -- deep purple pea flowers from Martins Parniskis. Other surprises. How much was understood I'm uncertain but we did SOMETHING TOGETHER. Those stoic Letts & I. You & I.

Days. What have these last days been? Too brief a time at Bernati. Hours of driving back & forth to Skrunda to visit relatives: Ruta, Janitis, Ilgonis, sweet Anna (but not supposed to say so); Baiba (birthday), Gatis, Ingrida, Ellina, tante Ellene. Omite present, patient & beautiful. Thinner, brighter.

Next day -- opaps house...5 hectares ARE ours. Build a road-side house? Don't know. Perhaps in my vecuma dienas [old age days]. Milda: spunky & energetic. Like her. Opaps says she takes after vecamate [my paternal grandmother]. But she's so much more positive & self-sufficient. Vecamate had become such a helpless leech. Elmars -- face like a sun-browned apple. His life, his home is the ideal to aspire to. Next time we will need to stay in Aizpute. His honey like sunlight, like liquid gold. Healthy bees, goats. Wind-swept hillside, shady trees in the valley. Gladiolas. Geese. Berries. Sweet cherries. But it all took SO long & took great patience to endure. Especially because we had a long drive to Slitere.

But we drove & it wasn't really so far & it was beautiful. Mazirbe the perfect coastal town. Sun browned & sandy. Bits of dzintars [amber] (tiny & few). Sand castle enduring days. The north wind chilling into my spine. Fingers numb. Z bitchier than ever about walking, but then a final explosion & sudden change. Gathering flowers for me as an atonement.
Kolka's Rags [Kolka's Horn] with the sea almost all around -- wall of waves from the north, wall of waves from the west colliding. I feel at ease & fearless in Kurzeme [western Latvia]. A comfortable place. Perhaps a place to live. Especially in Slitere [nature preserve within which is included several towns like Mazirbe].

Now we have turned the final corner on the coast/on the map. Near Kaltene the sea is much calmer today -- the close shore littered with waste (both human & organic) & smelly, but 20 feet from shore I sit on this huge pink/grey/black/crystal shimmering granite rock & flow words as the waves rolling endlessly, eternally salty & cold. I understand the Baltic Sea more & it too has round its rightful home in my ancients' soul. In two days we leave. I will miss this. The longing to return/recreate/relive will return. Hold this tight & deep because this moment will never be the same again. Hold these days deep because no other days will be again like this. Hold this deep in my most secret folds & allow it to impregnate me with yes the wonderful spirit of this land this earth, this salt, this sand, this sun

This wounded people that only need to live the earth to revive.

Perhaps I will return to die here. To return my old flesh to Mara [ life-force goddess], to the earth. To the things that remain unnamed & sacred.

8/4/97
Hotel Kladno
Kolodzny. Tatranky. Czech. Extremely rude hotel person: "We take yourrr passporrrt. You get back in half hourrrr at dinnerrrr." Dinner: at first -- smoke-filled bar & drunks. YUK. Oh. We go UPSTAIRRRRS. Czech idea of a vegetarian meal includes rice, carrots, peas, egg, french fries, red pepper, cabbage all neatly piled together, the rice on one side, fries on the other. Egg on top/center. Doors/Jim Morrison playing "People are Strange" album in its entirety as we eat. So perfectly bizarre.

No clue how the money works. I get 1,000+ KC for $50.

Leaving Latvia. Heart strings pinging but its time. Last days 'nother time.

8/8/97
A few more thoughts & memories.

So cool here after rain storm. Drops slowly dripping wet. Grey sky. Moist. Was so dry & hot when we returned. The yard strangely quiet of birds, but now that I've put out food there are many. Cardinal baby, many wrens, finches at the sunflowers, battling hummingbirds. Woodpecker. Cuckoo seems to have left. Toads gleefully leaping & peeing in last night's storm. Lovely colors. Be wary of raccoons please.

Seem to be sick.

Early trip: plane leaving Austin: white mist blowing from the vents. Like stage smoke. We try of act normal about it. Surreal.

Buttonwood: all that it should have been. Think I will play this way always. Piano, candles, sunset. Role of audience & performer by rote, but we can soften the edges some. The spirit of the place is good.

Planes, luggage, check-points, delays, waiting, tired. Hard work. Long time.

Dream here: waking, disoriented, looking out the window (though still dreaming too) unable to place WHERE I am: somewhere in Latvia? Someone standing next to me. Waking brain struggles to surface: this is the studio & the laundry I hung out to dry.
Last night too: disorienting dreams about still traveling in Latvia.

So little desire to return to work, but work we must.

This day is to rest, return, heal assimilate. Now what? Oh yes: Red Hand.

The passage of time. The events of history OUR histories. Moments that cannot be recreated, relived, revived. Take each moment as deep as you can for there can only ever be just one like this.

My current lesson

Oh happy wrens, cardinals, chickadees, hummingbirds in the grey sky, green leaves, silver drops of life.

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Ingrid

Latvia 1992